“I was saying, I control the wires! Right now you are at a sleazy house on Gault Street in Canoga Park. Your telephone will be disconnected after this call and you will never get another phone line in your name again! In fact, when this call goes dead in thirteen seconds that will be the direct repercussion of your telephone line being permanently disconnected!” This time, I ended the call with a high pitched signal that may have caused the mother fucker to go deaf.
“If that fucker is the mafia, bring them on. I took that slob, threw him down on a collapsible table. The pressed wood fell apart and I kicked him in the stomach. I picked up the whole piece of shit, table remnants and old man, and threw him against the door. He went whack, landed on the carpet, and tried to get up. I grabbed him and threw his face into the door. Knocked him out. I used a RS-232 cable to drag him down to the dumpster. Threw him in. Then I took out my switchblade, cut the glass out of his car windows and trashed the inside.”
“You can’t use a credit card to pay. Accordingly, this one’s on me. Since I am in charge, I want to cut this short. Here is how it is going to be. I am about to hand you the remaining due principal, in full. I am not paying any interest at all. Had you behaved in a dignified fashion, not telling the goon who lost his teeth to ruin my car, not telling Lisa she can’t see me, I would have paid the interest. A deal is a deal. There was not a contract to have my car ruined. No contract to have the now toothless idiot come to my office. Rest assured wherever I go, I have protection as proficient as what came at your goon. The little fucked up Jewish mafia is basically a baby compared to the world of computer criminals. But gang warfare is not just about muscle anymore, although we have plenty of that. Beware of cybercrime. Feast your eyes on the original cyber punk. The ring leader of all cyber punks and the king of all wannabe cyber punks. This ain’t no computer crime in the shopping mall anymore. My organization has grown to a certain reputable level, but I can still push one key on the keyboard, make one call and anything controlled by computers, telephones, electronically will go off. The only reason why your electricity worked this morning is my girlfriend lives there. Oh, you will be getting a lot of things in the mail. Stuff you don’t want. Stuff that will embarrass you. Blow up dolls you could fuck if you weren’t about to stroke out, underwear for a five-year old girl, subscriptions to gay porn. Things you have to pay for. They’re on your credit cards. We have set up macros to max out your credit cards, every month, with this kind of bullshit. Get another credit card and you’ll have the same kind of crap charged to the new card. If you pay the credit card bills, you can use your credit cards. If you don’t pay, you won’t have credit. You will be paying for embarrassing garbage the next ten years, maybe fifteen. The same kind of bullshit will happen if you try to use a bank. Money will be sent to criminal enterprises, under your name, in order to frame you so the FBI will pull you in if I sense any retaliation.”
The fat slob sensed I could have gone on forever. He also sensed my monologue inspired me to invent new ways to electronically ruin him. He tried to be a gentleman about it.————————————————————————————-
The Rag Board was called the Smoking Lounge. Descriptions of Cuban tobacco, hashish, and opium accompanied a user’s entry into the lounge. All users were required to sign contracts that stated the content of the Rag Board was confidential. More important, they were asked to sign waivers against libel. The disclaimer on the Rag Board notified users in all probability professional and personal reputations would be ruined on the Rag Board. Second, users were at risk of their phone numbers being posted, and even addresses. In all caps, in no uncertain terms, the possibility of being put on tele-trial and being perpetually harassed was disclosed. Naturally, access to the Rag Board cost more than many of the sub-boards.————————————————————————————-
When users logged on, Central Agency gave out ZZ Top’s address, phone number, MCI code for his parent’s phone, his parent’s credit card numbers, and naturally accused ZZ Top of being gay. In a day’s time ZZ Top reinstalled his original pirated version of Networx, but the software was no longer clean. Instead of real callers, in varying intervals, ZZ Top was led to believe virtually every enemy of ours was on his system. The addresses and phone numbers of these enemies eventually appeared at the end of paragraphs of insults and cued responses directed towards ZZ Top. The enemies allegedly provided their contact information for an ass kicking they claimed ZZ Top was too sissy to meet. When ZZ Top was at school, his system was rigged to slam real users. Lemur Jr.’s design only allowed new users to log on when ZZ Top was at school. When they logged on vituperative messages slammed their eyeballs. The messages were geared towards the particular user’s weakness. Insults included accusations the user was gay, affirmations the user sodomized his mother, or insinuations the user’s sister and he were engaged in sexual intercourse through Saran Wrap. The last affront was Alpha Synturian’s creation.
Particularly striking about the destruction of Central Agency, the software could not be overwritten. The disks could be taken out, but the ROM was infected. Do not ask me how Gershom accomplished that feat, from the modem. ZZ Top’s computer was fried.————————————————————————————-
At midnight, I crashed The Bun. Before I infected Long De Dong’s system disk with viruses, and overwrote all of his software, I downloaded the entirety of his user contact information. My downloads included seventy-three private messages from Long De Dong wherein he described his sexual escapades with underage users!————————————————————————————-
“The power of the BBS brings a power not recognized by the common man. By the virtue of a BBS system written by Moonshine, your BBS shall prosper and shine above any other Networx BBSs, but thou shall consider updating your hardware because no Networx system enters the market of competition worthy of the Speak Easy. Homage shall be paid to Moonshine and the Speak Easy. No screen on your new system will exist without homage to Moonshine and the Speak Easy. You may list yourself as a subject system of the Speak Easy. Bugs and viruses of a most disastrous kind have been installed into your system. Should you cross Moonshine, the Speak Easy, or Fast Eddie, in any way you will experience a ruination and annihilation not seen since the days of the biblical plagues. We shall now rejoice in a celebration of wine, cheese, and drunken bacchanalia.”————————————————————————————-
For the next year, Kettleman’s ass was kicked every day by different angry users. Pizzas were delivered to his house every hour on the hour. Prostitutes appeared at his house at least once a day, and an angry pimp allegedly kicked in the window of a car parked in Kettleman’s driveway. Needless to say, Kettleman’s family could not get reliable telephone service until 1988. Kettleman’s academic records were, “Lost.” His parent’s bank accounts were frozen by the federal government for two days, yet the federal government did not have any record of the event. Knives appeared in the trees of Kettleman’s entire neighborhood. Carrots and dildos were jammed into any exhaust pipe that dared to belong to a motor vehicle on Kettleman’s driveway, or was along the curb in front of his house. A pig’s head arrived in a box on his doorstep. On the Speakeasy, it was widely rumored all these misdeeds were done by the Sysops Guild of Illinois. The Guild allegedly felt Kettleman’s cross of Moonshine, who had knighted him, was unconscionable. Moonshine’s ability to orchestrate a Captain Lemur Eyes impressed his brother, but he felt this type of conduct was not becoming of a system that earned in excess of $60,000 a week.————————————————————————————-
As one of the sysops, I must take this seriously, but there is a possibility Mr. Lines is telling the truth and an angry student seized his account. However, this is highly improbable on a custom system Lemur Jr. wrote. Furthermore, the system has never been hacked and we employ a team of ex-pirates to monitor the intrusion of the system which there has not been the slightest.
At this point, a full-fledged tele-trial must be commenced. I will be the judge of the tele-trial. The tele-trial will be conducted on the Rag Board.
If you do not have access to the Rag Board, you should immediately buy a subscription. Due to the exceptional interest in this tele-trial, the donation for the Rag Board will be $2.00 for the next two days and then $5.00 thereafter until this trial is over. I apologize, but existing memberships to the Rag Board are hereby suspended unless these new donations are paid because there will be very high traffic for this matter of public importance.
You should also know there will be 12 jurors who will decide Mr. Lines’ fate. BBS code, and the rules of the Sysops Guild of Illinois of which both sysops are members, provides several remedies I will share with you later. There will now be an election and appointment of the jurors. By BBS Code, the fee to be a juror has been pre-set at $50.00. It is possible the jurors will deliberate together. If you want to be a juror you need to know you will have to pay for your food at C.J.’s, or maybe even Numero Uno while you are deliberating.
It is therefore, ruled, adjudged, and decreed that: 1) Mr. Lines shall forever be banished from The Lemur Connection. This is not a bulletin board system that fosters pedophile behavior. We believe strongly in gay rights, but the solicitation of a minor is wrong; 2) Mr. Lines’ number will be and is hereby posted. The users of this system now have an ethical obligation to post Mr. Lines’ telephone number on any other bulletin board systems still worth calling considering the overwhelming sophistication of The Lemur Connection; 3) Mr. Lines should be crank called as a punishment until he changes his number. If Mr. Lines changes his number, all lawful means should be made to find his new number and then advise the School Board of his conduct; 4) The School Board should not be notified at this time. We are not a real court of law. Ultimately, the police must determine if Mr. Lines is guilty to the point his job should be interfered with. In addition, we do not know what School Board Mr. Lines really works for; 5) Mr. Lines’ address is hereby posted. While we do not encourage any fraudulent transactions being placed in Mr. Lines’ name, it is within the user’s discretion how to punish this criminal. Various users may decide to send unsolicited materials to Mr. Lines’ residence. Obviously, child molestation and then lying about it is not taken lightly; 6) The Lemur Brothers will arrange a face to face meeting with Mr. Lines to advise him of these charges, and to kick his ass.